Celebrating Sarcasm

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.(The villains are always associated with the strip joints and/or run them along with their henchmen)

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.(The censor board says frontal nudity is okay for males but not okay for females)

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.(You don’t need a pilot’s training or a license to land a plane if you are the hero ;all that is required is the control tower chap bawling instructions ,with the word OVER at the end of each of the short sentences)

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.(It is not the pain of the wounds but the healing touch of the girl which causes more more suffering)

Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.(The hero is a small-time worker in a factory earning his honest bread but lives in upmarket apartments fitted with the latest gadgets)

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.( Driving would imply vigorous rotating of the steering wheel)
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.(Whenever there are twins one of them is separated in childhood when they visit a country fair and becomes a hardened criminal later but in Bollywood films he returns to the family after due repentance)

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.(only suspended cop can solve all crimes but the top brass of the police are usually stupid and don’t understand even the simplest nuance of investigation when the hero explains the strategy)
If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.(The whole street is full of people who are only willing to gladly cavort along with the hero)
Should you decide to defuse a bomb don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.(this complicated wiring is child’s play for this guy)

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.(that is why one should not be pretty and brainy ;otherwise one ends up in brothels)
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.( In Bollywood foreign goons wear red wigs and speak English with a funny Indian accent)

Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.(In Bollywood you have to wear a knee-length skirt and point to algebraic calculations on the blackboard with a stick explaining the science behind the project)

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.(Their sons grow up to become tough cops and avenge themselves on the murderers)

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.(they do not blow it up immediately ,having spent so much resources on making it all up)
To be a German army general, it is not necessary to speak German, but it IS necessary to speak English with a German accent.

When in a war, don’t show anyone a picture of your girlfriend, or you will be killed shortly, especially if she is beautiful.

If anyone relaxes next to a large window, they are sure to be thrown out of it shortly.(This one is not native to our Bollywood ; so we don’t speak about it)

STRANGE LESSONS MOVIES HAVE TAUGHT US

http://muchmornews.com/?p=299

 Here is a piece that can be ranked as one of the highest and purest forms of sarcasm.This lady has her tongue in cheek throughout the letter written by her to the Bank ,not leaving even a single sentence without her sharp barbs.For the sake of highlighting the scintillating wit that comes through everywhere ,let me italicise all those words which suggest her brilliant use of classic understatement:

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further . When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman)”

http://muchmornews.com/?p=300

“Some matrimonial ads from Indian newspapers

IAM GOOD AND CHARM LOOKING AND GOOD HEALTH. IAM SICEARE AT MY WORK EXCEPT WORKING HOURS, JUST SITING IN HOUSE.

(she is sinceare at work,except working hours,when she is just sitting in house)

daily yearly morning i wakeup at six and i go to temple then sharp at nine iam goto my office iam take lunch at after noon one then i come back my home at eviening eight then igo sleep at ten

(daily yearly morning she wakes up at six and the rest.…. )

I am a little hot man i am work in xxx am looking not bad i have a good mind for my wife(I need a girl with good character. I have a wife but I need a second one. That’s all.)

A little horny ?

me is a normale man with out to much cute.

I AM LOOKING FOR A GOOD CARECTOR GIRL. IAM A SOFT CARECTORI AM LOOKING FOR GOOD MIND LADY FROM GOOD FAILY. I AM A NORMAL GUY SO HO EVER COMEING IN MY LIFE I WILL TAKE CARE OF THEM

I DONT LIKE TO ANGRY WITH SOMEONE.I AM NOT LIKE TO SPEAK MORE.I ALWAYS KEEP CALM

( A tranquil disposition)

One thing is clear.Every one wants a girl with good charector .Just one guy has a wife already but wants a second one.But he admits he is not much of a looker. He is a normal man without much cute .

This little hot man has a good mind for the wife

He is a little hot man,looking not bad

But with a good mind for his wife,this lad
He is a normal man without too much cute
She is sincere at work except working hours
When she sits in the house and waking hours
When she wakes up yearly and go to temple
She goes to office and takes lunch at afternoon
Then she comes back her home at evening
At ten she does not forget to go to sleep
He is only looking for a good charecter girl
He himself is a soft character ,a normal guy
Looking for good mind from good family
He keeps calm and does not at all angry
This hot man has a good mind for the wifey.

“Publishing exit polls is illegal in Bulgaria during voting, but the country’s media have found ingenious methods to get around the ban, including nursery rhymes, flower sales and wind speeds.

As voting took place in Bulgaria’s first ever European elections, the BGNES news agency ran a weather forecast saying it was 26 degrees Celsius (79 degrees Fahrenheit) — but only near the ruling Socialist Party headquarters.

To those in the know the forecasts meant that Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev’s Socialist party was on track to win six out of the 18 European Parliament seats up for grabs.

Less than a kilometer (mile) away, at the main buildings of the newly-formed populist party GERB of Sofia mayor Boiko Borisov, it was much colder with only 19 degrees, indicating that GERB was polling at four seats.”
Winds, meanwhile, were blowing at 12 metres per second in Bulgaria at 1:00 pm (1000 GMT), BGNES said, indicating 12 percent turnout.

The Focus news agency also published information from five polling agencies under cover of a ranking of movies, songs, books, flowers and even children’s tales.”

This is how the Bulgarians must be publishing information on the outcomes of the exit polls:

We have no exit polls but Jack and Jill went up the hill
Jack fell down and broke the crown and Jill got the bill.

We have no exit polls but at low speeds the the winds are blowing
No squall is predicted and no cold and no nose blowing.

We have no exit polls but the roses are red and come  at one cent each
The petunias are a rare sight and have all gone to the beach.

The following poem was written on April 1947 by a district officer (British) in Bareilly faced with the prospect of a religious riot. This is how it goes:

“Just listen to the handicaps

I have to labour under, chaps!

Whene’er there’s trouble in the offing

I seem to get attacks of coughing.

If there’s a riot in my area,

Why then I’m sure to get malaria;

And when some Muslim seeks the blood

Of Hindus all because some sod

Has gone and tweaked the old boy’s beaver

I’m sure to get a bout of fever;

And when there’s stabbing in the city

I get such pains in my dicky;

No sooner Night resounds with howls,

I get a gripping in my bowels.”

(http://www.telegraphindia.com/1070428/asp/opinion/story_7706992.asp)

Look at the various somatic disturbances caused by the riots in the physical being of the district magistrate:

Trouble in the offing           causes coughing

Riot in my area                  causes malaria

Some sod has gone              Causes fever
and tweaked the
old boy’s beaver

stabbing in the city              Causes pain in dicky

Night resounds with
howls                                 Causes gripping in bowels

Listen to the following story from The Socialite, a blog . I said listen because it makes a perfect hearing , almost musical sound :

“Remember Mase? He had a couple of hits in the late 90’s? With Diddy, if I recall. Well, he got into a car crash because he was apparently trying to pick up a chick with a dick. There were trannie tricks running about and blood and chaos ensued. Which I’m sure is something insurance companies hear all the time.The incident supposedly happened on Spring Street in Atlanta around 12 am. According to the young woman who was involved in the car wreck, it happened when she was going north and pulled into the left turning lane while Mase was beside her in the right hand lane. She says she was about to make a left onto North Ave when Mase tried to turn in front of her truck in an attempt to circle the block to pick up a transvestite.The victim appeared on Atlanta’s Ryan Cameron Morning Show, to tell what happened with the rapper turned preacher turned rapper again and the transvestites.”The shims their running up to the car saying ‘girl, girl we seen what happened we seen everything’ it’s like five or six of them because they working so they run up to the car saying ‘girl are you ok he’s been circling around here girl like four times already tryin to pick one of these queens up’.”

I made it in the true cummings style :

he got into a car crash

because he was apparently

trying to pick up 

a chick with a dick 

there were trannie tricks

running about and

 blood and chaos ensued 

“The shims their running up

to the car saying ‘girl, girl

we seen what happened

we seen everything’

it’s like five or six of them

because they working

so they run up to the car

saying ‘girl are you ok

he’s been circling around here

girl like four times already

tryin to pick one of these queens up’.”

 

 

“When 18-year-old Marcel Langer ran into difficulties planning a $50,000 jewellery heist, he roped his mom in to help.

“I could not believe it when he said what he was up to,” said Daniela Langer, Marcel’s mother. “I offered to drive him there to keep an eye on him. I was worried about him.”

Before the main event, she took her son to a local shop to stock up on supplies – he instructed his mother not to get fingerprints on the duct tape and rope she purchased for him.

She then admitted to driving her son to the jeweler’s shop, where he met up with two other men. She acted as the look-out while the trio broke in to the shop and stole around $50,000 worth of jewelry.

“I was so worried about what might happen to him that I went along to make sure he would be safe,” she said. No one’s sure who was watching her other four children at the time.

Joerg Weyrath, the shop’s owner should’ve asked someone to look out for him – he was stabbed during the robbery and is still recovering.

The thieves and Mrs Langer were caught when they tripped the shop’s silent alarm during the robbery.”

You see mother is always close at hand to help you in whatever you do. When Marcel Langer needed somebody to for stocking up on the essentials , his mother did all that was needed and later she drove him to the jewellery shop for the final act.See ,mothers are the best people in the world.  If only the shop-keeper’s mother had  kept a watch for him he would not have had this traumatic experience of being stabbed .

“CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) — “Bubba” Ludwig can’t walk, talk or open the refrigerator door — but he does have his very own Illinois gun permit.The 10-month-old, whose given name is Howard David Ludwig, was issued a firearm owner’s identification card after his father, Howard Ludwig, paid the $5 fee and filled out the application, not expecting to actually get one.The card lists the baby’s height (2 feet, 3 inches), weight (20 pounds) and has a scribble where the signature should be.With some exceptions, the cards are required of any Illinois residents purchasing or possessing firearms or ammunition within the state. There are no age restrictions on the cards, an official said.Illinois State Police oversee the application process. Their purpose, said Lt. Scott Compton, is to keep guns out of the hands of convicted felons, those under an order of protection and those convicted of domestic violence.

“Does a 10-month-old need a FOID card? No, but there are no restrictions under the act regarding age of applicants,” he said.”

Yes ,of course. The rules are very clear that there is no age restriction for issue of a gun license. The rules do not  prohibit the issue of a gun license to a 10-month old child if he has applied for it and he has had no record of convicted felonies. Since the applicant was born just 10 months ago the police can safely give the child the benefit of doubt and accept the application without a proof of crime-free antecedents. The antecedents verification need not be very lengthy and stretching back several years in time . The gurgle of the child is a proof enough to assume that the birth took place only 10 months ago.Now the other issue is whether the applicant has applied for it and signed where the blocks have been provided. The rules are silent on whether a “scratch” can be accepted as  the  signature of the applicant.Thankfully the police have liberally interpreted the rules and accepted the application without raising objections. We must compliment the police on the liberal approach adopted by them in this case.

Heather Armstrong has difficulty in explaining to new neighbours what she does for a living.We are web developers,she and her husband would say. Web developers? O yes; what do you do for a living -that is the next question. She explains that they have a website .Oh ,I see.”

Via Kottke.org

 Comments from Daily Kos on the responsibility for the firings of the attorneys:

“Attorney General Alberto Gonzales on Tuesday praised his departing deputy but also said he was the one responsible for the federal prosecutor firings that have thrown the Justice Department into turmoil.

Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty, the No. 2 Justice Department official, on Monday became the highest-ranking official yet to resign since the scandal erupted in January. McNulty said he was quitting to earn more money in the private sector, not because of the controversy.

In comments at the National Press Club, Gonzales said McNulty was ultimately responsible for recommending the firing of at least eight U.S. attorneys in December.

“At the end of day, the recommendations reflect the views of the deputy attorney general. He signed off on the names,” Gonzales said.”

Apparently MacNulty was the one who  took all decisions and Gonzales had nothing to do with them. In other words MacNulty was the one who wore the pants in the legal department.