Celebrating Sarcasm

«Pressures Produced When Penguins Poo — Calculations on Avian Defecation»
(V. Breno Meyer-Rochow and J. Gal; International University of Bremen and Lorand Eotvos University of Hungary; 2005

“Ever wondered how far a penguin can fire waste from its anus? Wonder no more. Victor Breno Meyer-Rochow of International University, Bremen, and Jozsef Gal of Lorand Eotvos University, Hungary, used the basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin. Dr. Meyer-Rochow explained that the research began in 1993, when he led the first, and so far only, Jamaican expedition to the Antarctic. Later, while showing students pictures of faeces-lined penguin nests, he was asked how the elaborate displays were created. “They get up, move to the edge of the nest, turn around, bend over – and shoot,” he said. That’s when he got the idea to calculate the pressure produced by penguin poo. “

http://oddee.com/item_90683.aspx

Road workers who wolf-whistled at a woman got the surprise of their lives when she stripped calmly and went about her business .She might be trying to teach them a lesson for wolf-whistling at women .The workers thoroughly enjoyed the lesson.

A gentleman says he has had sex with 1000 cars. Excuse me, is there a preposition mistake here? Sex in cars or with cars ?  It is not clear whether he has had sex with 1000 separate cars or with the same car 1000 times.

“In an exhibition that’s making some Poles do a double-take, the Museum of Industry in Opatowek has chronicled the evolution of women’s underwear from the knee-length knickers and tight corsets of the early 20th century to the skimpy thongs of today.

Female underwear evolved as women’s role in society changed.

In the 1980s, when Poland’s then-communist regime was staggering from one political and economic crisis to the next, so-called “tygodniowki,” which came in packages of seven – a pair for each day of the week – were the standard cotton undies for women.”

http://www.topix.net/news/weird/2008/02/in-poland-unmentionables-on-display

“A team of Crime branch led by T.I. Satyendra Pandey and his men camped in Bhatpara just to study the patterns of thefts committed by the gang since the onset of February. Their efforts bored fruitful results when they caught hold of the gang members on Wednesday evening.Off the four arrested ,the thieves duo were identified as two real brothers namely Dinesh alias Kondhi (20) and Lakhan alias Chotu(12),sons of Ganesh Sahu , a resident of Bhatapara.Two more persons alleged for purchasing stolen goods from the thieves were given names as Jaleswar Yadav(30) and Santosh Kumar alias Lallu(32). At the instance of the four accused, the CCB sleuths recovered 44 mobile phones,27 chargers,4 DVD players, 3 colors televisions etc etc., etc.,The gang was more notorious than the others….Finally with their arrest, the business community of Bhatpara can breathe a sigh of relief and also the Raipur Police”

I love this piece which I have come upon in the Hitavada, a daily published from Nagpur with a local edition for Raipur. We are not talking about the poor English skills evident in the report. What is more interesting is the way in which the report explores the exciting possibilities of using English to describe a uniquely Indian situation by modifying the meaning content of each word .If this is not King’s English, what difference does it make ? Leaving aside the linguistic nuances, the comic possibilities are fascinating.

A) The crime branch officials have been camping at Bhatpara since the onset of February. Interesting use of the word “onset”. As if February is a season. While using the word here, February becomes much more than a month .Imagine the beginning of the hot season, the shortening of the shadows and the fragrant flowering that has begun in the mango trees.

B) “off the four accused ,the thieves duo were identified as two real brothers”-Interesting use of the word “duo” which is used here to distinguish the two thieves together as a pair from the gang of four. But what is fascinating is the assertion that the two are in fact “real” brothers, just in case you have any doubt. They are not fake brothers, but genuine siblings. Actually, in the Indian context the word real brother has a different connotation. A real brother is your own brother ,born of the same parents, as distinguished from a “cousin”, who is also loosely referred to as a brother. The kinship ties that exist between two cousins of the family can be appreciated only of one is familiar with the Indian milieu.

C) “The gang was more notorious than the others”-A grammar purist may wince at the idea of the usage of “more notorious than others”. If we can permit the usage “more famous than others” , we can surely permit “more notorious” .If you still believe it is wrong to use “more notorious”, that is your problem.

D)”Finally with their arrest the business community of Bhatpara can breathe a sigh of relief and also the police”-Apparently both the business community and the police are waiting to breathe a sigh of relief and the arrest will now give them an opportunity to breathe one.

E)”At the instance of the four accused, the police recovered 44 mobile phones ,etc., etc., .Apparently the initiative came from the four accused and it is at their instance that the police recovered all that stuff. We must admire the positive thoughts of the accused ,who have gone out of the way to help the police in the recovery of the stolen stuff.

Here is a news item in today’s The Hitawada , a newspaper published from Nagpur: “Miracle saves 8-year old

Say it a miracle of God, a 8-year old girl escaped unhurt, while his maternal brother died on the spot and his father received minor injuries when the bicycle riding on which they were going to their home in village Zora, was knocked by an unidentified vehicle near Labhandi on Tuesday morning. ….According to Telibandha police,barring Jitendra who died following fatal head injury,his maternal uncle received minor injuries whereas the 8-year old daughter of injured Rajesh Kumar miraculously escaped unhurt. Identity of girl could not be known as his father was in state of shock. Rajesh is labourer and they were coming home after visiting one of their relatives at Capital when the mishap occurred at around 8 a.m, the police said an offence under section 279,337and 304(A) of Indian Penal Code  has been registered against the unidentified driver.”

(A news item in Hitavada dated the 20 February,2008)

The reader can come to very interesting conclusions .Here are some:

A)    The news report leaves you in doubt that the incident is a miracle wrought by God.

B)    The eight year old girl keeps changing her gender for some inexplicable reason (“his”)

C)    She has a maternal brother who has died in the accident. She must be having a few paternal brothers too.

D)   The bicycle on which they were traveling was knocked (not gently ,we presume) by an unidentified vehicle.

E)    Jeetendra appears to be the one who died receiving fatal head injuries while his maternal uncle received minor injuries .No, no. It was Jeetendra who was the maternal uncle and it was he who died. The reader may please exercise his beans to work that out.

F)     The eight year old daughter of the injured Rajesh Kumar escaped unhurt. We hope they are not springing new surprises on us and it is the same girl as was referred to in the preceding paragraphs.

G)   The identity of the girl could not be established because her father was in a state of shock. We are of course aware that he is a labourer whose name is Rajesh Kumar  and he lives in a village called Zoro. Perhaps detailed DNA tests   which will reveal his genealogy etc. are yet to be carried out to establish who he is.

H)    The police have registered a case against the unidentified driver. They haven’t the foggiest notion of the vehicle which caused the accident and they may as well register a case against the unidentified vehicle .As a matter of abundant precaution they can also register cases under the different provisions of the I.P.C against the deceased maternal uncle.

“LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Dolly Parton’s breasts may be two of the wonders of the entertainment world, but the country music icon says they are a pain in her back.Parton, 62, said on Monday she would postpone her upcoming North American tour after doctors told her to take it easy for six to eight weeks to rest her sore back.

“Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems,” the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

The tour was due to begin on Feb. 28 in Minneapolis, two days after the release of “Backwoods Barbie,” her first album of mainstream country music in 17 years. She hopes to hit the road in late April.

Parton, also famous for her big voice, big wigs and big smile, has long joked about her famous bust. When she received a songwriters award in New York last year, she noted that she’s been known for two things throughout her career.

“I’m talking about my music and my lyrics,” she said.”

If you don’t live in Pennsylvania, this is going to sound a little weird: When I go to the beer store (a state oddity), I have to buy at least a case of beer.

It’s not because of my terrible thirst; it’s the law. We call it the case law, and it’s been in place for more than 70 years, since shortly after the repeal of Prohibition. You can’t go to the store and buy six-packs, 12-packs, or single bottles.

We can buy six-packs at licensed premises, like bars and ­restaurants — if they offer the service. Not all of them do, although some people buy a bar license and sell only six-packs, an interesting end run around the law. But there’s a catch there too. You can’t buy more than two six-packs at a time — though if you step out the door, you can step back in and buy two more.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22958512

“JACKSON, Miss. (AP) — Donnie Register has a new reason to be thankful he’s married — police say his wedding band deflected a bullet and probably saved his life.

Two men walked into Register’s shop at The Antique Market on Saturday and asked to see a coin collection, police Sgt. Jeffery Scott said.

When Register retrieved the collection, one of the men pulled a gun and demanded money. A shot was fired as Register threw up his left hand, and his wedding ring deflected the bullet, police said.”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2007-12-02-lifesaving-jewelry_N.htm

Many claim to have found the answer to keeping the mind active, from crosswords and Sudoku to plenty of exercise and cold showers.But now it seems the secret may lie in our lifestyle and what we eat to fuel our bodies.

Dark chocolate and plenty of cold meat for breakfast top the list for boosting grey matter, researchers suggest, while sex is essential for keeping the brain fit in later life.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=499285&in_page_id=1770